Warning: Being that everyone here is an artist of sorts, I am writing a somewhat disjointed and chaotic blog about writing. Maybe we can connect over our mutual struggle of artistic expression, assuming that the struggle is, in fact, mutual. As the writer of this blog, I just thought I should warn you before subjecting you unwittingly to my whimsies. So consider yourself warned…
I hate writing. I really do. I’m not one of those wishy-washy people who say they hate something but they really actually love it. Or maybe I am. If I were to get philosophical, I would guess that love and hate are the same thing, you just feel them differently. But that is beside the point.
This is the point: Writing is art. I am not brazen enough to say that I hate art because that would mean that I hate beauty, blood, life, love, death, and God. And I don’t hate those things. There are few things that I can say that I hate: genocide, infanticide, human trafficking, dead puppies, etc. I can say I hate those things, because those are things that should be hated. That kind of hate cannot be confused with love. Unlike the way I hate writing.
I’m in college. Can you tell? I guess that means I’m allowed to be pretentious and annoying for those four years of undergraduate education. I took a year off school after my freshman year so I guess that makes me a cheater because I get to have five years of pretentious tomfoolery.
In approximately 6 months I will have to write a 40-60-page manuscript for my senior honors thesis. Thinking about this makes me violently unhappy. But being the masochist that I am, I chose to do it. Here’s a dried-up cliché for you: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Ugh. Even looking at that aphorism makes me feel slightly ill. It seems like a consolation prize for suffering, like when your parents used to say, “Well, when you have your own kids you can do what you want.” Not helpful.
It seems illogical to me that I write to become a better writer so that I can write some more. I guess that right there is the thing that I keep trying to reconcile…
Writing is good for me. Not in the same way that vegetables and flax seed and yoga and exercise are good for me, but writing is good because it is hard. And all things that are good are hard…or is it the other way around? It doesn’t matter. I have spent the past 22 years trying to find something that makes me happy. I can’t say that writing is that thing, but sometimes when I write I feel like life gets to make sense for about 10 seconds before my world of words threatens to implode under the pressure of reality. Too much? Yeah. Writers are so melodramatic.
I have heard people call writers liars, but I think those people are confused. Writers are just trying to be honest. Here’s a bit of honesty for you: I have been writing this blog for what seems like hours and I have been editing it like crazy. If I didn’t edit it and cut out about 60% of what I write, you would see all kinds of colorful neuroses. For example, I’ve written a paragraph about my fear of balconies on high-rise buildings, the rattlesnake I found in my backyard last week, and the way I have been grinding my teeth lately. Disclaimer: you are about to read a self-indulgent paragraph about my teeth-grinding problem. If you couldn’t care less, skip ahead. This is a choose-your-own-adventure.
I’ve been grinding my teeth lately. Apparently I’m eroding my precious enamel. I don’t have dental insurance so I’ve been trying to control myself but I can’t seem to stop. I just want to gnash away. My dentist – Dagon Jones – he’s Swedish, I think – recommended a nighttime bite guard to prevent enamel erosion. He estimates said bite guard will cost $694. Not going to happen. I don’t really think it will help anyway since I can feel myself doing grinding my teeth when I’m awake. Maybe I don’t even do it when I am asleep. But I know that’s probably not true. I imagine that when I am asleep at night I just go to town, grinding my teeth to kingdom come.
Nobody cares. I don’t even care. Why would I even write something like this? Maybe because it is the truth, it is what I am thinking about right now. I’m even gnashing my teeth as I type.
So here I am, writing about writing, blogging about blogging. What is it called…breaking the fourth wall? My creative writing professor hates this sort of self-referential meta-narrative brouhaha. Homie don’t play that, he says. He wants to dive in, disappear, devour, dissolve – Let the story be, moan about your own issues later. But I feel compelled to break the fourth wall, to partake in this particular artistic obsession. Look at the camera. Exit the page. Understand art in a different way. Everything is fake and real at the same time.
I’m afraid that no one will understand what I am saying. I am afraid that everyone will think that I am childish, untalented, frivolous, and dumb. I don’t really like anything that I write. Nothing is ever good enough. Ever.
Now that you know how crazy I am, I feel like we are friends. Although considering that I have no idea who is actually reading this blog, I guess I feel like the general Internet blogosphere is my friend. Strange. When you share your writing, your art, or your music with someone, you create a certain intimacy that is beautiful and unique. Or maybe it’s horrifying and embarrassing. Or maybe it’s everything at once: empowerment, humiliation, life, death, love, the big bang theory, hearing, sight, smell, taste, touch. There I go again with the melodrama. Maybe art just is.
If I were a rational person, I would say this to myself: Just accept that it what it is. Enter that selfish state of mind. Entertain the thought that you matter, you have incredible talent and self-worth, and you have something fantastic to share with the world. Delude yourself into embracing this seemingly foolish notion, and eventually realize that it is the truth.
My favorite thing about writing is finishing something, throwing in the towel, ending the last sentence with a period. Even if the piece is some kind of long-winded whimsy, in its final moment it feels whole. I feel like I have accomplished something for a quick moment; for now, I have earned the air I am breathing.
So here it is: my favorite moment. I love it, I hate it. It is what it is. Period.